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From The Heart

I thought I’d write from the heart this week-show I’m not Mary Poppins.  I have always had to be ‘the strong one’ in my family for reasons I won’t go in to here-maybe ‘had to’ is not as correct as ‘chose to’.

heart

I think I have found this a very hard role to move away from and now I have my lovely little girl I have to say that sometimes the pressure of still being the strong one is over whelming. When I lost my Mum to cancer two years ago that’s when most of my strength of character started to wobble. It’s not that I don’t have a Mum any more. I just can’t talk to her-I feel more like her every day and was startled last week when I had my hair cut to see her looking back at me. She would have enjoyed laughing at that! When Mum passed away I felt really alone-and have continued to ever since.

I’ve been the sole breadwinner for three years and to ensure we live a good life I’ve become a really thrifty, creative and hopefully inspiring mum. But it’s been tough. Luckily I love my job so it’s never been an option not to work. There have been days when all I wanted to do was sleep but I feel I’ve got through the hardest times.

My blog has helped me realise that there are lots of people like me who appear to be strong on the outside but have fears and worries the same as the rest of us.

Call this therapy- call it a blog! I thought I would list some of my worries and think you’ll understand where they come from:

  • The thought of my little girl going to full time school really upsets me. I’m almost crying now and I’ve only just started writing. She’s in full time nursery now so it shouldn’t be a problem but the thought of seeing her in school uniform upsets me. Stupid I know. She loves nursery-I loved school. I think it’s just the transition to big girl thing.
  • I thought I’d sneak this in second and type quickly so I can’t chicken out. I’m really afraid of dying-not for me but for my girl. I think that’s a result of me not letting go of control-I need to learn to let others help. But it’s not what I’m used to. My mum was a strong, independent woman- I think she became a bit of a martyr. I’m in danger of becoming the same. (Not going in to it anymore-it’s too painful)
  • I worry that my girl is missing out by me not having my family close by-I didn’t give this a minutes thought before.
  • Am I an old mum? At the moment I’m on the right side of 40-next year I’ll be due a free health check. When I was pregnant I was classed as a mature mother (The cheeky ********!!!!!)
  • Am I an ok mum?

OK so this is not an exhaustive list- my woes change daily but these few stay daily.

So if you read my blogs and think I am MUM OF THE YEAR material you may want to reconsider. I’m a bit like an M&M- hard on the outside and soft on the inside.

If you have any advice for me please share.

Don’t ask me how I am because I’ll always be fine- it’s when the mess has been tidied away, the dishes are washed and the sound is down on the TV-that’s when I don’t want to have the time to think.

Live for today!

Have a good week everyone

Amanda

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